For men: how to break the insidious cycle of relationship failure
By: Cucan Pemo
It takes a long time to build a relationship. But it does not take long to destroy it. In fact, the cycle of failure needs no pushing; it gathers its own momentum. And once it does so, it becomes very difficult to stop it or put it in reverse gear.
The important thing is to stop the cycle of failure from moving on its own. This can only be done if the two partners realize what's happening. One of them has to step forward, and stop the relationship from cracking.
Often it is men who are responsible for the emerging cracks in a relationship. This happens when they are overambitious or move up the ladder. They get so obsessed with their work that they forget their spouses. The distances increase, and a rift develops.
A relationship may also get affected if the man enters into another relationship. By doing so, he only makes life difficult for himself. The more he tries to hide his new relationship the more he complicates things.
There may be several other reasons for relationship failure but their effect invariably is the same.
Early signs of relationship failure
The first signs of a relationship that is in trouble are:
1. Man spending less time with his partner
2. A sharp spurt in arguments and quarrels over inconsequential issues
3. A gradual erosion of trust in each other
4. Sharp drop in lovemaking and sex life
5. Both start finding fault in each other.
How can men transform a breaking relationship
It is important for men to notice the growing signs of rift and disaffection. They cannot continue to live in their own world and allow a loving relationship to fall apart. The best is to act early and limit the damage.
This requires some introspection. The men first need to understand why the relationship has run into rough weather. Why is it that their spouse has become so touchy? Is it because they have started taking their spouse for granted? This happens in most relationships. The man gets so involved in his work that he forgets that his spouse altogether.
Things reach such a pass that a man has to make notes in his appointment diary of the lunch or dinner dates he needs to keep free for his wife. The spontaeniety that first characterized their relationship vanishes. The wife has to wait for her husband to find time for her. This leads to first boredom, then anger and then depression. In some cases, it may even force women to find another relationship that can keep them occupied. The man must act before this happens.
The cancer of suspicion
In many cases the relationship is torn by suspicion. The woman may have reason to believe that her man is carrying on with someone else. In some cases, it may only be suspicion. But in some cases, a flirtation can become a dangerous extra-marital relationship.
The man has to assure his wife that there is no other woman in his life. He cannot allow an extra-marital affair to come in the way of a long and happy relationship. He has to break off any ties that he may have developed if he has to save his relationship.
He will also have to show remorse at what he did. He will have to bend and beg forgiveness. More than that, he will have to assure his wife that this will not happen again. He will be lucky if he is forgiven. He can surely anticipate the chill to continue for some more time. It is for him to ensure that he wins his wife's affection again.
In case, the chill is the result of suspicion alone then the man must demand an explanation. However, he should do with finesse. There is no reason why he should put his wife on the back foot. He is not settling scores or avenging a hurt. He is trying to rebuild trust in the relationship. He therefore needs to clear the air of any misgivings that his wife may have started entertaining. At the same time, he must start devoting more time to her.
Don't forget respect
No relationship can be complete unless both the partners trust each other. They also need to treat each other with respect. In fact, mutual respect is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Any man who runs his woman down can never expect the relationship to last.
The man must create space within which the woman must feel comfortable. She must not be made to feel small in front of friends or children. The man must convey his points deftly without hurting a woman's pride. He must also listen to her with full courtesy and seriousness. This alone can save many a relationship.
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